The Soft Side of a Tough Kid

Today I got to do something that I'd been looking forward to all week.  Oh, I gave the impression on the outside that I was enjoying my freedom and in no hurry to be once again burdened, but it was just a facade.  On the inside I was counting the minutes to the reunion.  It had felt like a chunk of my heart was missing all week and this morning I got a part of that piece back. What am I rambling on about ? Today I picked up my youngest son, Joseph, from camp.  
I was determined to not to shed a tear once I spotted him.  I didn't want to embarrass him in front of his new friends or risk putting a dent in his "tough guy" image. For the most part I held it together as I nonchalantly said, "Hey, Joe, what's up?"  No hugs were exchanged.  No sloppy kisses given.  How clever of me.  On the inside every bit of me was screaming, "I've missed you like crazy, Joseph. I've been thinking about you from the minute you left!"   I did it. I stayed strong and held my emotions in check.
The closing ceremonies at the camp were wonderful as usual.  There was a buzz of excitement in the air the entire time.   The kids' passionate behavior during the ceremony was infectious and I had the "if only I was a kid again" feeling the entire time. 
It wasn't until Joe and I were on our way home that I finally asked him to tell me about camp. After the standard "it was great" answer, he opened up to me further by telling me his favorite activities, favorite food, and favorite new friend. This dialogue went on for quite some time when, all of a sudden, he paused mid-sentence and said, with a catch in his throat, "Mom, I really missed you."  This was quickly followed by "and I love you a lot." Gasp!  You could have blown me over with a feather.  This comment came from my son who is usually very hard-as-nails tough.  From my son who lives up to the position he plays in hockey-an unyielding rough and tough defenseman. From my son who can, at times, rub me the wrong way.  From my son who if I say something is black will come back insisting that it's really white instead.  This strong-willed son said he missed me and that he loved me! Don't get me wrong-Joe has told me that he loves me many times, but it was his vulnerable confession in this quiet moment that was so precious and meant the world to me.
We took our time during our mother-son drive back home; stopping to have lunch and refuel.  Every now and then we'd pull off when we'd spot an exit that advertised a nearby antique mall (all of my kids love to antique shop with me).
It wasn't until Joe fell asleep about an hour from home that I got to quietly reflect on his "I missed you" and "I love you" words.  You see, I've always been a little hard on myself in the motherhood department. I've wished that I was a better mother. I've wished that I was more patient with my kids. I've wished that I was more understanding and more grace-filled towards them.  Before today, my "wish-list" seemed endless.  Until Joe spoke those words.  Those words gave me hope.  They encouraged me.  Maybe I'm not doing such a bad job afterall.  Maybe I'm impacting my boys in ways I didn't know.  Maybe, just maybe, I'm doing an okay job. 
It was then that I heard my heavenly Father speak gently to my heart and say "I told you so, Lynn. I've believed in you the whole time. I knew that you were cut out for this job.  You won't always be perfect, but you're the one I want for this special job. I planned it this way."
Next weekend I pick up my oldest sons from camp.  I'm not sure what their reponse will be when they see me.  Will they  hug me?  Will they give me kisses?  Will they say "I've missed you, Mom?"  I don't care.  I'm okay with whatever they say or do because today I got my confirmation from my heavenly Father above and that's all that really matters.  

"Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from Him." ~Psalm 127:3

***Check out this video...it really has nothing to do with the topic of this blog entry, but it kind of reminds me of what I (and most mothers in general) would do with my children in the same situation.***

The Road Less Traveled?

There aren't any established hiking trails on our property in the country, but there are miles and miles of roads on which I can get my hiking "fix".   I could get my exercise by bravely fighting my way through the thick briar-ridden woods, but it would cost me-I'm sure I would spot an occasional snake (eek!) and ticks and bug bites would be sure to follow.  Maybe some day I'll make that venture, but for now I'll stick to the safety of the roads. 
On a recent early morning walk, I spotted many acres of beautiful flowers all abloom.  My favorites were the wild Black-eyed Susans and the Widow's Lace. They seemed to be everywhere-along the roadside, up on hillsides and in shaded glens. While strolling, I spied a box turtle lazily crossing the road.  I think I surprised him; once he saw me he picked up his pace and scooted off to the other side of the road.  On that same morning, I was lucky enough to walk up on a turkey sitting on her roost in a tree.  One look at me was all it took-she flew from her perch in such a rush that she made it clear across the road and into a nearby field! 
The roads snake all through our property but I can't get lost-all I have to do is follow them and stay on their path.  They all trail fullcircle and I'll eventually end up right back at our cabin.  Although shortcuts through the woods would be a faster route, I look forward to my walks on our country roads.  I never know what I might spot around the next bend. I'm usually in no hurry and can take my time to enjoy the views. 
Following the paths along our country roads makes me think of a time when I chose a different route in life. The one I chose was a path of self-destruction.  A path that led to short-term fulfillment and what I mistakenly thought was happiness. A path of "if it feels good then do it" mentality.  A path that had me so confused that I didn't even know who I was anymore.  A path that had me going in all the wrong directions and left me too exhausted to even enjoy the view. 
And then I met HIM. He redirected me and showed me what it was like to walk on a road of safety.  He showed me what it was like to slow down, find true happiness and joy, to discover know who I was (His daughter) and to get to know Him.  1 Peter 2:21 says "Christ who suffered for you, is your example.  Follow in His steps."
Many of my friends (and even some in my family) were concerned when I decided to take a different road and follow Him.  They were comfortable knowing me just the way I was.  Why should I "rock the boat" and change a seemingly good thing? Why would I want to follow a road that, to them, seemed boring and too limiting?  Even Joshua knew people like this "but my brothers who went with me frightened the people and discouraged them from entering the Promised Land.  For my part, I followed the LORD my God completely." (Joshua 14:8) 
Like Joshua, I chose to believe His promises.  I changed the direction I was going and I followed the Lord completely.  I listened to Him calling me and never looked back. "And He called to (her) to come, too.  And (she) immediately followed Him leaving her (things) behind." (John 4:22)  And, like the two believers walking on the road to Emmaus, my eyes were opened when He told me about Himself. "Didn't our hearts feel strangely warm as He talked with us on the road and explained the scriptures to us?" Luke 24:32
I'm so grateful that He has redirected me and put me on the road I'm on.  Now I'm safe.  I belong.  I know who I am. I am His-forever.
"All those who want to be  my disciples must come and follow Me...and if they follow Me, the Father will honor them." John 12:26

Paths

I recently returned from a trip to the beautiful state of Alaska.  It has rightfully earned its nickname of "The Last Frontier". It seemed as if everywhere I turned the view was prettier than the one before.  Massive trees and snow capped mountains towered above me on all sides.  Forests surrounded me that housed trees that are hundreds of years old and are untouched by man.  The landscape is truly breathtaking.
Our stay in Alaska included ventures such as fishing, touring islands on ATV's, shopping, and whale watching to name just a few.  My favorite activity by far was the day I went on a four hour hike along the Indian River Trail.  The temperature was nippy that day and the air smelled clean and fresh.  While we hiked through the forest, crossing log bridges as we went, we could hear the sound of the river rippling by.  Although the hike was strenuous at times and certainly got my heart rate up, it was very relaxing and just what my body needed.
The path snaked back and forth as we wound our way through the forest. A waterfall coming off of the mountain was to be our ultimate stopping point.  Every now and then we had to cross slippery moss covered log bridges or rugged wooded stairs.  At times the path was so twisted that we couldn't see what was right around the bend in front of us (each time I was praying that it wouldn't be a brown bear).
All of our twisting, turning, and climbing reminded me of one of  my favorite promises in HIS word-the promise that HE will direct my path.  "God arms me with strength; He has made my way safe...You have made a wide path for my feet to keep me from slipping." Psalm 18:32,36  (NLT) 
Just like the hike I took in Alaska that was full of twists, turns, and climbs; so too is the "hike" I take through my life.  My path will not always be easy and I may not see what's around the next bend, but I can be assured that He will protect me and keep me from slipping. I can pray the same prayer that King David spoke "Lead me in the right path, O LORD...tell me clearly what to do and show me which way to turn." Psalm 5:8 and I know that He will. 
I need not fear about my steps as I maneuver through this life.  I can be sure and walk with confidence because His word declares that " the LORD watches over the path of the godly but the path of the wicked leads to destruction." Psalm 1:6
Time ran out for us, so we never made it to the waterfall on the day of my hike.  However, I won't soon forget the hours I spent in those Alaskan woods. They were some of the best hours I spent on my trip and worth every sore muscle and blister that I got the next day. :)

"My steps have stayed on Your path; I have not eavered from following You." Psalm 17:5